The United States Supreme Court concluded, last Friday, that the New England Aquarium was to be investigated on suspicion of animal abuse. The penguins alone have filed fourteen separate complaints about the cafeteria, which has supplied for twenty years the same fish-- dead ones.
"I don't see what the problem is," interrupted aquarium CEO Stevie Wonder, "we, as human beings, eat dead food EVERY day. How many of you have complained about your lack of live food?" "What Mr. Wonder fails to see," responded penguin expert Ms. Anne Coulter, "is penguins aren't people, and they have different needs."
Aquarium officials were documented giving limp, lifeless fish to the imprisoned penguins. One official was photographed hand feeding an unsuspecting penguin in the eastern quadrant of the penguin pool on Friday.
"Penguins need to catch fish," explained Coulter, "you see they become docile and cute when they cease hunting. After years of failing to catch a fish in the wild they lose confidence and start to show signs of... chill." She then proceeded to point out every penguin chilling on a rock in the aquarium. The numbers were staggering:
97% of all penguins were marked down as "chill." Of the remaining penguins 2% were marked down as "less than cute" and the final 1% was recorded chasing a shadow underwater.
"You see," said ex-politician Al Gore, "penguins are taking the brunt of global warming. The heat has a lethargic effect on them. I fail to see any difference between their natural environment and that of the aquarium. This is nothing less than penguin apartheid. The only real difference is the lack of predators. In the wild penguins face many dangers, including: Sharks, whales, seals, boats, ice, snow, water, Nutella, and the common cold."
Settlement discussions between the penguins and aquarium officials will begin tomorrow. General polls show that 72% of Americans believe that sharks, live fish, and ice should be reintroduced to the penguin pool to help simulate their natural environment.
"All this will cost money, money we don't have." Wonder explained. "I don't see how the aquarium could acquire all this extra ice." There have been talks to bring in Dunkin' Donuts as the official donut of the New England Aquarium penguin pool.
"We, as the official donut of New England penguins, could provide live fish, sharks, ice and donuts to the generally chill penguin population in the aquarium;" explained Dunkin' Donuts CEO William Shatner, "Negotiations will begin tomorrow."
- Nick Benavides is a part time writer for nobody.
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